My poor car

As everyone knows, I drive a piece of shit. Not because I have to, just I dont want to pay $500 a month to drive 4 miles to work, nor do I care about image(Arent I so awesome?). However, I may have broken my car this morning going over railroad tracks to get into my work parking lot.

Apparently a truck managed to snag the tracks and pull them up out of the ground. So when I rolled over, albeit slowly, my front tires suddenly plunged after clearing the first track and the solid iron beam smashed into the bottom of my car. Instantly, it sounded like I was driving a motorcycle, since it appears I broke a hole in my exhaust or muffler.

I am hoping that I didnt damage my transmission or something else, because I dont like shopping for cars at all.

And just to let everyone know, no damage befell my sweet body or face. I can hear the sighs of relief now.

So long Bobby...

I shaved this morning and gave a brief goodbye to Bobby, my beard.

A brief eulogy:

Bobby was three and a half weeks old. He was unmarrried but is survived by three children: two goaties and a soul patch.

He majored in social economics at Purdue University, but dropped out shy of graduation after he became "disillusioned"

He stole my girlfriend from me. I hate him.

Back in the STL

So I am back from Oneonta, NY and what have I learned?

1) The Old Spanish Tavern is a damn fine bar. Labatt Blue flows like water....alcoholic water.

2) 99% of the population thinks that the world revolves around them, especially when they are in an airport and especially especially when they are on a cell phone even when the stewardess told them to turn it off.

3) The 19 to 25 year old female demographic in Oneonta love goofy guys with big ears and a beard. That's right, I mean me.

Also, as I was flying from Albany to Chicago, I was watching DVD's on my laptop with headphones in. The guy next to me asked if I would either take the headphones out and play it aloud or at least put the closed captioning on. I told him the closed captioning didnt work on my computer. He bought it. Idiot.

The Poop Hotel

I am in Oneonta, NY to give a technical presentation for my company and we checked into the Clarion this afternoon. Not five minutes after I got my room key, I had to request a new room, because after I walked into the room, I decided it smelled like poop. I looked in the bathroom and someone had clogged it with their feces from what looked like a wild night at Bob Evans and left it. On top of this, housekeeping missed it because apparently, the smell of excrement is easy to miss.

When I got my new room, my towels had weird pink stains on them and the couch in my living room has white stains on it. I am expecting at any minute for a large collection of bacteria to wrestle me to the ground and french kiss me or at least to find a pube in my coffee mug.

GRRRR

I am in a real bad mood today. I put up with turds that have learned to imitate human beings. They have mortgages, SUV's, and watch Jay Leno. They are convincing. Just like real turds, they are composed of complete waste with nothing of any value on the inside. Also, just like real turds,the fat ones seem to give me the most pain.


Enough frowning. How about some happy news? Right now I have a beard. He is 13 days old and weighs 17 ounces. I have named him Bobby.

Congratulations

I want to congratulate my friend Aaron Lawson on getting picked for a callback at the Webster Film auditions. I am just asking him to not bother the director to make sure he gets his nude scene in. That guy is all about nude scenes.